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Despite unemployment being at (or was, I stopped paying attention to important statistics a long time ago) record highs, that doesn’t stop the people with the jobs from humping each other like Bill Henrickson on a Tuesday.

Non-sequitur? You bet your heiny. Thirsty?

Why yes I am.

Mentos. The freshmaker.

Ahem.

While workplace (between co-workers) coitus takes place all across the world, no doubt, there are definitely certain jobs that lend themselves more to the coit. Whether it’s the type of people who work these jobs or the nature of the work increasing the tension level and therefore forcing people to need a release, some jobs just make you more randy than American Idol. So if you’re finding yourself in need of some lovin’, perhaps a career change is in order. To what careers?

Glad you asked. Allons-y.

1. Cops 

I’ll bet cops trade BJs for “looking the other way” on a daily basis. Female cops included since I’ve seen some fairly manly looking women cops in my day. Not that all women cops are carpet munchers, but let’s just say, when I was working the club, and we had Ace Bandage Night, a lot of women cops “responded to disturbances” that were never called in. Back to the lecture at hand,  after a long day in the trenches chasing bad guys and errant coppers I imagine the tension level might lead to some Glass Shield Drawz exchange going on. Fraternization policy be damned. Plus, whose going to arrest you?!?!? Exactly. Blue Badge Bump ‘N Grind.

2. Military folks

I mean it’s kind of a no-brainer. Barracks, guns, butter, Ving Rhames. So much f*cking goes on on military bases they had to institute a penalty for getting knocked up. Seriously, I used to not want to hear my boys who were in the service tell me about their random hooks up. They all looked like walking STDs to me. They’re on a horse.

3. School teachers

There’s a reason Ms. Crabapple and Principal Skinner were getting it on. Dealing with the stress of somebody else’s crumbsnatcher all day coupled with the insane male-to-female ratio means that in the world that is  the school, there are probably men cleaning up more than the janitor. Hit the breakroom, hit the break, break the room. Boom boom poon.

4. Catholic priest

Oh, that’s just little boys the sick f*cks.

5.  IRS employees

Do you realize how many people hate them. I can just imagine on the day after April 15th when the auditors get to work and start getting yelled out after they subpeona’s somebody’s records that two auditors get to talking war stories, it heats up and next thing you know, clothes, calculators and W-2’s start flying to and fro. If they’re not careful somebody might catch an abacus in the fanny.

And not in the good way, you perv you.

6. Bartenders

Everybody gets off at 4am. Nowhere to go but you still feel like hanging out. Actually scratch that. You know how there’s always that one person who’s never ready to go home. That’s bartenders. Hell, to be a bartender you have to be willing to be up at inordinate hours anyway so you’re more likely to just be like, “sure, we can go watch movies at your place at 430am. I’ll bring the scrapple.” Mmmhmm. Suuuuuuuuuuure you will. Ass-sandwiches all around. No boning in the liquor cabinet. It’s E&J, not BJ.

7. Bankers

You should ALWAYS wash your hands after touching cash. That’s why I ONLY use my card.

8. Waiters/waitresses

I only sit down AFTER I witness my table being wiped down. It ain’t always a milkshake that spilled.

So you froggy, frothy foo fighters, what are some other professions that get a lot of employees fancies tickled? Feel free to tell on yourself here, it’s okay.

We don’t judge here.

Wopner.